We Can Do Hard Things

Yesterday, after an 11.5 year battle with extreme anxiety I decided to explore a new possibility. I had my feet dug pretty well into the ground about going on meds. As a control freak, I do not like drugs/medicine. Not knowing what the side effects will be, what it will do to my body and how it will make me feel freaks me out so much I just choose not to try.

Being controlling is part of my anxiety. Have a one track mind about what is best for myself and having a difficult time veering from that. I have done therapy twice, both for years at a time with different therapists. It helped for a time, but then we get to the point where we have navigated the current waters and then there is a stand still. So, I put therapy on hold.

I have a very hard time seeing in the moment how I am reacting to people. Even when they try to tell me, show me or remind me, I will still implode. My husband and my children are amazing at being supportive of me and trying so hard to help me recognize, but they take the brunt of the misfire and they don’t deserve it.

This weekend everything came to a head. When I saw the look on my husband’s face and my children’s face, I knew something different had to be done. I just wasn’t sure what that looked like yet. I slept on it for a few days and really thought about what could be done differently. I did sign up for therapy again, which I think has it’s value, but I am not sure it is enough long term.

After doing some research and talking with friends and family that I trust, I decided to make an appointment with a doctor to discuss my anxiety. Tell someone professional, other than a therapist that I suffer from extreme anxiety and control issues. Ask for help in a different way than I ever have before.

So, after 11.5 years of saying no, yesterday I took a chance at saying “yes” to medicine that could help me. I have enlisted my husband to be brutally honest with me about how he notices it effecting me and I have assured him that I will be honest too. I am supposed to take my dose at bedtime. So, I did last night for the first time.

This morning, I woke up a little groggy, but other than that feel the same. I know it can take months to see the full effects and I am going to practice something else I am not good at, patience!

A good friend said this quote to me yesterday “Jesus loves me this I know. For he gave me lexapro.” Glennon Doyle

A Love Letter to Myself

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, closed the computer and never published. I’m ready now!

I was watching “One Night Only Adele” yesterday. As usual, her songs hit me right in all the feels. Being able to see her feelings, her chatting with Oprah about her life and also the way that I think the words reflect my own feelings.

It seems like only yesterday I wrote this blog post Hello from the Outside! Not only was it not yesterday, it was nearly exactly 6 years ago. 6 years ago, I wrote about listening to Adele’s song Hello over and over and over again. Listening to it and hearing it as words being sung to her former self. Words being said to my former self. Lyrics that I wish I could shake myself to hear and really sit with and be OK with.

Hello breaks my heart every time I hear it and of course it was the song that Adele opened up with. I sang along and got tears in my eyes, just like I do every single time I hear it. When I need to reflect, need someone to blame, need to remind myself that life is so good….I listen to this song. I listen to this song and think about each and every choice that I made. The choices that I made to get myself here and the choices that I make to stay stuck.

I am 41 and really no better at loving myself then I was at 11 or 25. Now, don’t get me wrong….I think pretty highly of myself! #sorrynotsorry

I just mean, that I beat myself up over the what ifs and the should haves more than necessary. I need to remember that the both of us are running out of time. My former self and the me I am today. We don’t have time for all the bullshit. When I am being mindful, I know that. I am in the present working on the me of now, not trying to figure out what I could have done differently before.

Stephanie, leave the past in the past. You did what you could and that is much more than most could have done. You love, you help, you care and you keep on keepin on every single day.

All the Good

Some days are better than others. Some moments are easier to navigate through. Sometimes I yell and I scream and others I sit quietly (these times are few and further between). In all of these moments I try to remind myself of all the good that I have in my life.

When frustration starts to stir because of things that are beyond my control, I take a deep breathe and try to refocus on what is important. Our furnace has been acting up the last couple of weeks. When I noticed it not running as long as it should, I think of how long and how often it has run exactly as it should and how we are in a position to get it fixed, with a friend who is willing to help us fix it.

We have a hole in the ceiling of our living room. This spot on our ceiling has given me great anxiety since about a year after we moved in. It started bubbling and getting water damage. Then eventually this past January while I was making school lunches I heard a thud, a piece of the dry wall just fell onto the ground. We have spent the last 10 months trying to get to the root of the problem so that we can patch and repaint. That hole drives me crazy. When I look at it though, I try to remember the running water, the shower and the home that make it possible for that hole to even exist.

Our kids are getting older. More and more I think about the choices that they make and scratch my head wondering why in the world?? I just try to remember at their core, they are good kids and will ultimately figure it all out and be better for whatever they are making their way through currrently.

I get frustrated, a lot and I wear my frustration on my sleeve (read that face) way too often. I know how truly lucky I am though. I know that when I look around I have far more to be happy, positive and content with than I do to complain about. Life is so good if you just allow yourself to see it!

Happiness Without Worry

I am not at all sure the last time that I wrote. That being said, after a quick look it appears I haven’t written at all in 2021. “The Weary World Rejoices.”

Crazy, because here I sit here at the end of October and I still feel so weary. Something is just so sad and so different.

My husband and I had a difficult conversation this weekend. One that resulted in him point out that I don’t know how to have fun anymore. That sometime over the last couple of years, I lost my ability to find fun and funny in day to day life. Is he right? I mean, I am sure he is. He knows me better than anyone. That I don’t laugh as much as I use to and that I don’t see the simple joys of a joke or awkward situations.

I do not want to continue to be this way. It is difficult to sit at a family game night and be thinking about the ceiling that has water damage or the laundry that needs to be done. I have a hard time being in the moment. Just enjoying the simplest of times, without feeling bogged down by the “what ifs”.

There has been too much sadness in my life over the last month. First, I lost my grandmother. The first grandparent of mine to pass. She was the youngest of the four and something about that makes it harder to wrap my brain around. Then there have been other health issues and scares with other family members. Lastly, the father of one of my son’s friends died suddenly.

I am scared and I am sad. I am worried about the what-ifs. I need some good tricks and tips to relax and embrace the fun! Anyone have any awesome suggestions?

The thing is, I have this amazing family, wonderful husband and a home that I feel so blessed to live in. I have an abundance of things to be thankful for and in awe of, so why do I let my mind get consumed with the small details, and try to pull others down that hole with me?

Today when I signed into WordPress for the first time in what appears to be 10 months, I had a comment from someone who had read my blog back in March. It was a lengthy, kind and inspiring comment. She was commenting on a post that had been written 6 years prior, but the words she said still needed to be heard today. “You deserve happiness without worry.” Don’t we all?

The Weary World Rejoices

I feel like these lyrics right here are EVERYTHING 2020. These 4 words from “O Holy Night” strike me over and over again. Every single day during this holiday season, I am feeling this message in my heart.

All year long I have been using the Bible app on my phone. It started Jan 1st, reading the bible in a year. I have stayed caught up and so happy that in just 15 days, I will have ready the entire bible from cover to cover. Starting the bible in a year, led to many other bible plans being followed.

During Advent, I have done at least 5 with the advent theme. I am currently reading one called “Illuminate”. Today’s devotional was all about the idea of joy.

With everything that is going on this year, this holiday season, we have plenty of things that are threatening to steal our joy. However, if we choose, if we allow his joy to spread through us, then no disappointments can stop us from looking toward his return!

In the last week or so, I feel like our family has been bombarded with changes of schedules, mixed up plans, overwhelming stress and anxiety. Typically, I will keep telling myself not to focus on these things and get distracted by something good, something that I am looking forward to. I am finding it hard to look forward to anything right now.

So, this study today helped me remember who I am at my core. That I am capable of looking for an finding the joy, of looking ahead to that instead of getting stuck in the uncertainties and disappointments. “Unrealized expectations are the biggest joy zappers.” Ain’t that the truth? Lower your expectations and you will have fewer disappointments.

I leave you with this question….are you living in the happiness of the moment and bringing joy to those around you?? My answer…I am trying!

Gratitude

When the world is dark and heavy, taking a minute to be grateful can make a world of difference.

Thinking about all the small things you DO have can change your outlook. Before I got out of bed this morning I took inventory.

The coffee I have to make a fresh pot and the food in my kitchen to make lunches. The bed that I slept in, in the warm home that I love. My husband that I woke up next to. Greeted by a good morning kiss and a simple “I love you”.

Money deposited into bank accounts to pay bills and purchase Christmas gifts. My phone that keeps me connected to my friends and family when we are far apart.

Christmas cards that arrived yesterday. Invitations of hope, joy and peace.

Making it through another day. Long, hard, tiring days. Days that I get the opportunity to look for all the good and blessings.

Happy Wednesday! Find some gratitude today 😊

Learning to say “NO”

The hardest part about this pandemic is how hard it is for me to say NO. I have learned over the last decade or so, that it is important for me to have boundaries and to be OK setting them. Just because I know that it is something I should do, doesn’t make it any easier.

I am asked almost daily to do something for someone that I feel like I should say “yes” to. Simply because it would be easier, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and because I am naturally a helper. I cry nearly every time I find myself having the courage to say “no” instead of complying with the request.

The fact of the matter is, this last month has been the most difficult for me in the pandemic. Being back out of work and at home with my children for remote learning. There are tears nearly every single day. Screaming, yelling, crying and the feelings of complete failure.

Watching my children hurt, long to be around their people and get easily frustrated with tasks that seem so simple. After 5 to 6 hours of each day going like this, I find it hard to have anything leftover. Doing laundry, prepping a meal and cleaning the house feel so taxing.

Most days I have traded my smile and laughter in for sadness and a resting bitch face. I want to find the light in the darkness, but it all feels so hard.

I take the time I need to in the morning to read the bible and do my yoga. Even if I would rather just stay in bed and do nothing, I know that these simple tasks will set me up emotionally for a better day. Most days I feel like I am starting with an already empty tank and that is a feeling I am unfamiliar with.

Tuesdays seem like the worst day. I have been up for about 2 hours and have already cried 3 times. I have barely even spoke to anyone and already the tears are flowing. I don’t like to feel like I have disappointed people and am falling behind. Yet, here I am….another day where I can’t say “yes” to what is asked of me.

Sometimes…you need a break

I am someone who likes lists, schedules and routine. I like crossing tasks off and feeling like I have accomplished things. This can sometimes look like a lot.

First, I start with a couple of important self care tasks. Reading the Bible and Yoga. Then once I get in the groove, I can add from there. Writing in my gratitude journal, blogging, etc.

Instead of just leaving 2 or 3 items on the list, I keeping adding to the pile. What for though? To prove something to myself? To prove something to others?

Then, once there are 4, 5 or 6 things on that list every morning, I ultimately get burnt out. Just because I am home all day because of this pandemic, doesn’t mean that I need to push myself to be doing “something” all day long.

So, as a result, I haven’t blogged in 4 months. Blogging really helps me, it makes me happy, it is a safe outlet and a therapy that I deserve. I want to come back and remember to more regularly engage with this community 💕

You do you

Caption From The Lazy Genuis Way

A friend of mine recommended the book “The lazy genius way” on Facebook. Her recommendation was so strong, I ordered the book off of Amazon right away. I read it in about 24 hours.

It really captivated me. Though, much in the book I felt I had put into practice over the last 40 years, I took much away from it.

The biggest and best thing that I tool os that what makes me happy, doesn’t have to make everyone happy. The parts of life that bring me joy, pain, calm, laughter doesn’t have to be the same thing that does it for everyone else.

Learning to coexist with people who are driven by something completely difcerent then us, is important. We can learn from each other, it probably won’t change us, but may open our eyes.

Taking care of myself, my family and my home are what drives me. It is why I wake up at 5:30, it is why I choose to make homemade meals 6 nights a week and it is why we have a balance of extracurricular activities and boring evenings at home.

When I am stressed, you can find me cleaning and organizing because it settles my brain. As items are put into their place, clutter is removed and I feel prepared for the day ahead, I can have a sense of peace and can rest. These things matter to me, so I choose to prioritize these tasks.

What matters most to you? What do you pour time into, that feels really worth it?

Start with you #40in2020

21 days until I am 40! I am beyond excited to celebrate this milestone. To cherish the celebrations over the month of August and to reflect on all that I am thankful for over the last 40 years.

I have always been pretty confident. Perfectly happy to tell you why I think I am amazing and why you should also! Lol

I don’t believe it comes across as cocky or arrogant, at least I sure hope it doesn’t. I hope that it comes across as I work hard to be this person that I love and that others can love as well.

The older I get, the more often I truly realize the notion of, “If you can’t love yourself, others will not be able to love you either.” We need to choose to do what we can to hold our heads high. To be proud and sure of who we are!