I woke up this morning having made the decision to not do the run Sunday. After weeks of trying to talk myself into it, make myself feel differently about it, I have just accepted it. I WILL NOT be downtown on Sunday running 13.1.
One of the things that I love most about this platform is the ability to be honest. To talk about my real life in a raw way. Over the last few weeks I have started working on me in a different way than in the previous six months. Instead of working on my physical health, I started working on mental health.
I am facing ghosts from the past and figuring out what they mean for my present. How the Stephanie that I am now is different from the Stephanie of 5 years ago. This means going at things from angles that I am not used to.
I have been taking a break from the norm that I have created for myself over the last six/nine months. Really figuring out if all of those things are working best for me right now, or distracting me from what is really important. Certainly, my physical health is always going to be important. Right now, and probably only momentarily, it is taking a backseat to my mental health.
Once I get used to this new rhythm in my life, I am hoping to find a good way to tie the two together. To find a healthy balance of waking up early to go the gym and getting some extra rest. To getting my heart rate up at the gym, but keeping my anxiety low at home.
I haven’t decided how much I am going to continue to share on here about my mental health. We will take that as it comes. I am going to say this, my mind plays tricks on me and I think WAY too much. Most of the reason that I signed up for this particular race, was to prove something. The more that I thought about it, I realized I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
I will run another half marathon someday. Probably one I have never done and have zero memories of. Instead of giving in to the need to prove that I can still do something I did six years ago, I am saying no. It is a very difficult decision, that is why I waivered for so long.