Here it is. My confession, my fresh start and perhaps the beginning of my mental health chronicles.
About a month ago now, I made a choice that changed the direction of my life. With the help, support and guidance of my husband, along with a referral from an old friend, I made a phone call. It was a scary call to make, but I reached out to make an appointment to go and see a therapist. In that first intake call, I had to answer a couple of questions about myself that I had never said out loud. I had to admit to myself that I needed help and say that to others.
The fact of the matter is, I always imagined that I would be the person offering people therapy. Never, did I see myself as the patient on the couch. In fact though, I have been the patient on the couch 4 times now. It is something that I actually look forward to now and I can see myself growing.
The first time I sat on the couch, I cried and cried and cried. That was not at all what I was planning on, LOL. I haven’t cried again. Since that first visit I have laughed, I have released and I have learned so much about myself.
Ok, so here is my confession….I am a huge control freak. I want to control every aspect of everything, all the time. It was getting to the point that I was really pushing people away. Changes and transitions, give me so much anxiety I can’t even explain. At the end of my first appointment, after crying almost the whole time, my therapist had to give me a diagnosis. This was for insurance purposes, but this diagnosis has been brought up in every subsequent meeting.
My diagnosis, “chronic adjustment disorder”. Induced initially by my ex cheating on me and ultimately the end of my first marriage. So…hindsight is 20/20, perhaps I should have sought counseling 5 years ago. Though, I don’t think I was in the right place then to accept and move forward. With the support of my husband, kids, family, friends and coworkers, I am ready now. I am not embarrassed about going to therapy.
It wasn’t until this morning during a conversation with a dear, lifelong friend that I knew that I could write about this. That I should write about this. My mental health is important and it’s OK to talk about.
This afternoon, I spoke about noticing myself reacting differently to things. Not panicking as much with adjustments as I had just 6 weeks ago. I just packed up my gym bag for the morning, for the first time in 2 weeks. I downloaded more books onto my IPad to read while working out, then I started writing this blog.
I am ready to continue on this mental health journey, rebooting the way I look at things and pick back up my physical health journey that I had started back in the spring. I believe that these two can work alongside each other to make me the best me I can be, on the inside and out. Can’t wait to see where this new journey takes me.