Losing Friends because of Life

I hold this sadness in the pit of my stomach.  It has been there for 3 1/2 years.  I still think about it every day, dream about it and get upset about it.

Three and a half years ago, I lost the best group of friends I had ever had.  We had been friends for 8 years and had all met where I used to work.  They were the best.

One day, while going back and forth over text with one about some weekend plans, the bomb dropped.  She told me that she and the others thought it best if I didn’t come.  It had been months since I had seen any of them.  Lots had happened.  Paul and I had just got married, moved, I was working full time and I was half way through my pregnancy with Noah.

Anyway, I received a really long text explaining her point of view.  It was not mean just honest, but it cut like a knife.  Not to mention that I was pregnant, so I cried for what seems like forever.

As a group, my friends had decided that I wasn’t putting enough energy into them any more.  Years earlier when Matt and I got married, they didn’t notice that effect my ability to hang out very much.  This was due to the fact that Matt worked a lot, so if he wasn’t home there was no reason for me to be home.

As time went on, more and more added on to my plate making it more and more difficult to spend all the time with them that I once did.  I had one baby, then two, then I was a single mother.  Then I was working full time, got married again and gained three step children.  My time with my family was becoming more and more precious.

It was never about not wanting to spend time with my friends.  It was always just about needing to spend time with my family more.  For Paul and I there were all these other factors involved, limiting our time with each other and our children.

Typically when you plan on having a child, you aren’t making that plan to only have them with you half of the time.  So, when that ends up happening, you have to weigh your options ALL THE TIME.  Would I rather do this, then spend time with the kids?  Is this worth taking some of my time away from the kids?  Now, maybe not all divorced parents think about life like this, but I do.

This naturally weeds out all kinds of friends, well the whole getting married and having kids does that too.  This particular group of friends had already stuck around through the hard part though, so I didn’t understand.  They were there with me as I went from single, married, mother, mother of two, divorced, single mom, married again and finding out I was pregnant again.

I only saw all of them together one time after I got married to Paul.  I spoke with them over the phone and saw a couple of them individually.  Four of them even came to our wedding.  They were all hesitant about it and worried for me, naturally, it was quick and lot of people were cautious.  Yet, they still came to support me.  The last time we were all together, I met them out by where they worked and told them that I was pregnant.

That is it, that is the last time I saw them.  I loved them all so very much.  It still makes my heart sad that after years, I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get an explanation.  No one else ever reached out to me, even though I tried calling to see if this really was how everyone felt.  Slowly they unfriended me on Facebook and I never heard from any of them ever again.

The only thing I remember from the text message was something like this, “we thought that when you were married before the reason we didn’t see you as much was because Of Matt” “but, that hasn’t changed, so now we know it’s because of you.”  “You choose men who don’t understand your relationship with us.”

That hurt, that hurt so much.  Neither Matt, nor Paul had a problem understanding my relationship wth the girls.  In fact, they had both hung out wth them multiple times.  They enjoyed their company and were always nice and respectful to them.

It is only now that I realize, it was this friend or the whole group of them that didn’t “understand”. I still am not really certain, as it was ever just the one who spoke for them all.  My life had grown so far up and out from where it was at the beginning of our friendship.  I was no longer a 23 year old single girl.  I was now a mom, a wife, an ex-wife, a step-mom and an expectant mother that was 31.

Most people can not wrap their head around the complications of our every day life.  Most people don’t want to and I don’t want others to have to endure the mess it took to make it here.  To my old friends, I hope you never know a life of divorce.  I hope you never have to plan your life around when you do and don’t have your kids, but most of all I hope that if you do, you don’t have a group of friends that walks away from you.

Three and a half years and I still miss you.  Some of you have had babies and I wish that I could see what you are like as mothers.  I hope that you are happy, healthy and well.

momsterslinknewf3

Published by Making Time For Me

Wife, Mother, Step Mom, Control Freak. 7 years into my second marriage and dedicated to making my home a chemical free safe haven <3

15 thoughts on “Losing Friends because of Life

  1. “To my old friends, I hope you never know a life of divorce. I hope you never have to plan your life around when you do and don’t have your kids, but most of all I hope that if you do, you don’t have a group of friends that walks away from you.”… no doubt!! I completely understand what you are saying!

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  2. How disgusting. I can’t believe anyone calling themselves your friend could do this to you. It’s selfish and you are WAY better off. The quality of your life is not based on the number of friends you have but the quality of those friendships. I lost my friends due to life but it wasn’t a decision they had write in a note. It was time, distance and bsenrmindedness. I haven’t invested as much time with them because my life and focus have changed and it’s a tough balance. You are wonderful and you are loved, they’ll never know just how much they’re missing out by being so cold and heartless. You’re better off without them x

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  3. Wow. I would say they weren’t very good friends to begin with if they couldn’t understand your brief distance to deal with the rest of your life. I too lost friends after having kids at 36. I was no longer that friend that could just go out at a moments notice and listen to THEIR problems over a glass of whatever. I listened to their lives, marriages, kids stories but when it was my turn they were nowhere to be found. So I made new friends. Are there any mommy groups in your area that you could meet up with? It’s hard making friends the older we get. Good luck to you and thank you for linking with #momsterslink linky. Hope to see you again tomorrow.
    💌Trista

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  4. What a shabby way to treat someone. Friendship by committee sounds like a horrible way to manage relationships and if they felt there was a problem it would have been a less cowardly way to actually talk it through and give you an opportunity to explain and if necessary (big if…) change things. It would also allow you to call them our if they were being unfair or unreasonable.

    I’m sorry you had to go through such a lousy experience.

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  5. Reblogged this on Making Time for Me and commented:

    Yesterday, I ran into some old friends. I am at an early childhood conference and I knew that they were going to be here. I saw their names in the conference program, knew that they were presenting and got anxious right away. I haven’t talked to or seen these friends in 4 years. Friends that decided to cut me out, because of life. Yesterday when I saw them at a restaurant, I noticed them first. I went right up to their table and said “HI”. I wasn’t embarassed, sad or nervous. Two of them gave me a big hug and kisses and the other one, just politely smiled. The one that politely smiled is the one who did the cutting, the one who was my best friend, a bridesmaid in my wedding. Now that it has happened, I’m fine. As my husband said if you see them, they will either ignore you or you will catch up, either way your life doesn’t change! He was right.
    So for Flashback Friday, here is the blog post about losing them as my friends!

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  6. I think people often forget that life is not static. And that includes friendship. Its not always going to be a group of single girlfriends. People’s individual lives change – and become complicated and that means friendships change. Some people can’t accept it.
    I’m sorry your friends were so cruel and so unseeing.

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  7. OMG, I find it so hard to understand the reasoning that makes a person cut someone out of their life the way she did you. I know it happens, as it has happened to me….but the shear meanness of the way she did it just amazes me. You are SUCH an incredible person, and she is obviously quite jealous of you. You are frankly lucky to have her out of your life.

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  8. Probably one of the hardest parts of family-dom. My friends from junior high had remained my friends until nearly to my thirties. When I was expecting my first baby I went into a great depression, I ostracized myself, and then I was a mom, and then I looked up and all the sudden it’s been four years since I’ve see that best friend from middle school. It’s been two years since we’ve talked on the phone. And until just recently a year since we had spoken on Facebook.

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  9. I saw your quote on Pinterest, and it caught my attention, so I followed the link and here I am! Thanks so much for sharing your story….I can totally relate, and your post made me feel like I’m not the only one out there who has struggled with this type of situation. 🙂 I’m sorry you have held onto this for so long, but I understand why. It’s difficult to absorb the reality of what’s happening when things like that occur, especially when you are left hanging without a true good-bye or closure!!? It’s hard!! I know how you feel, and it isn’t fun. You deserve happiness, without worry. You didn’t do anything wrong; their actions were very selfish, and clearly, they were not thinking about how everything would make you feel. 😥 I see this was written in 2015; it’s now 2021. I hope you are doing well and living your best life. If not, here’s to happier, brighter days ahead! ❤ Thanks again for sharing. 😊

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