I went nearly 1 month between session 5 and 6. Due to work and scheduling conflicts, it’s just didn’t work out to go see her for awhile.
It felt really good to see her and catch up. Then in the same instance, it felt good to go nearly a month and have no big hurdles that I needed to discuss with her.
Back to the letter assignment. If you recall from the previous therapy session I was supposed to fill out answers to four questions, helping me guide a confrontation conversation with Matt. When I filled it out the first time, I only referred to our communication. My therapist gave me the sheet again and told me to give him hell. So, when I filled it out the second time, I talked about the infidelity.
This is what I remember….Receiving a Facebook message from a stranger telling me that you were cheating on me with Jess on Dec 1, 2009. I remember asking you about it, “she’s just a waitress”. There is NOTHING going on. From that point on, I never believed anything out of your mouth. Our relationship took a huge turn. It was the beginning of the end. 8 1/2 months later my fears were realized when I checked your phone. It was all there, no more denying.
This is how I felt then….I was so mad, hurt, heartbroken. How could my husband and friend of 25 years do this to me? I had asked, given you so many opportunities and like a coward you said that I was crazy. I was making things up, to you everything was fine. I felt like the lies and hurt were never going to stop.
This is how I feel now….I am at peace with the fact that our marriage ended. I still am very angry about how it ended. I don’t know that I will ever trust you completely again. There were so many lies, so much manipulation, so many lives messed with. I see you guys together now and neither of you look happy. That bothers me even more. However, I was never truly happy and I think you knew that. I would have continued to work on our marriage. Your cheating gave me an out. It gave me a voice, it liberated me. Now, I have Paul. Marriage looks much different to me now, that I am grateful for.
This is what I wish had happened….I wish you would have confessed everything to me in December when it was originally brought up. Better yet, I wish you would have told me how unhappy you were before you developed a relationship with anyone else. That still would have hurt like hell, but at least I wouldn’t still be questioning you and your integrity 5 years later.
SO…that was my letter this time. My therapist was very pleased on multiple levels. One, that it sounded like I was thankful that he cheated because it gave me an out. From that standpoint, yes I am thankful. I can’t imagine not being with Paul. My life is much different and every day I am so much more content.
Secondly, that this letter pointed out that it wasn’t the physical relationship that I was still hung up on. It is the lies. When we have a problem, lack of communication, misunderstanding I still think it is because he is lying and being manipulative. I pray that goes away, but I don’t know if it ever will.
It is the fact that someone had the ability to do that to me and the fact that I am a smart person, so how did I let that happen to me? These are the things that haunt me still, the things I need to work through. I have a long road ahead. Everyday it’s getting better and better!