So, yesterday I went to therapy. It was long over due and had become completely obvious.
I have an intense need to talk about my thoughts and my feelings. Talking to my husband, my friends and family is amazing and most of the time is all the therapy that I need. Every couple of weeks, I need to talk to my therapist. Who in theory is a complete stranger to me, all she knows is what I bring into her room.
Some people may go into therapy to talk about other people. When I go to therapy, I go to talk about me. How I can handle things, how I feel about things, how I can fix things. I know that I have a lot of work to do before I am the person that I really want to be. Most of the time, those that I love the most get my best self. The times where they don’t though, they get my worst self. Crazy how that works huh? The same people in your life, get your best and your worst, how terrible.
Sometimes when I get overwhelmed and decide to let my feelings out, they come out very accusatory and blaming. That isn’t fair. Often times I am overwhelmed from tasks that I am putting on myself. Or from situations that aren’t mine to fix. My therapist said that I need to stop owning things that I have no control over. Stop putting them on my plate, blaming myself for them and trying to fix them.
This goes for everyone, but mostly those in my household whom I love the most. I’m a mother and a wife,I feel that it is my job to make people happy and fix the problems. Unfortunately, sometimes I am not the right person to fix the problems. Also, sometimes I don’t have the right answers. Even though I mean well, I can often times bring more harm than good to a situation.
What I am currently working on is patience. Waiting, waiting in the spot of non-communication that is so unbelievably terrifying for me. When there is silence, I am alone. When I am alone, I am scared. When I get scared, I go into a crazy place. A place where I am in fear of being abandoned.
I can’t sit in that silence, I need to go after whatever it is, whomever it is and try to talk. THAT, is my biggest problem. When I am at that point, I compromise other’s safety and security, in order to try to make myself feel better. I am working on hearing others words and cues, so that I can be respectful, give space and just stop berating.
I am trying. I am working hard on it and I’m dedicated to it. It may be a very very long journey, but it is worth it. My kids, my husband, my family and my friends are worth it. I am worth it.