It has been so nice to go see my Therapist every 2 weeks, 3 times in a row now. Because of life, illnesses and vacations we had to put of Therapy for close to 3 months. I can tell that my energy is better when I can check in with Hillary every couple of weeks.
Even better when I go and in the first few minutes while catching up and there are no big “things” that I am coming in specifically to discuss. That is always such a wonderful feeling.
My homework from last time, was to pay attention to my body’s physical disposition when I feel anxious or angry. To be conscious of my body language and how it changes. I realized that I do 2 things.
One, I go from speaking with open hands to clenching my hands into fists. Sometimes pounding on a counter, other times grabbing on the bottom of my shirt and pulling. I feel like I have energy that needs to come out, I need to release it some how. Luckily, my therapist said that this is completely normal!
Second, my brain sometimes feels like it is going to explode! There is so much in it, all the noises, all the sounds and it just needs to get out. When this is my feeling inside, I feel like I need to scream. Now, unfortunately that screaming comes out on the people that are close to me. Other times, I just scream out into the world, just let out a scream. I am sure it is silly or goofy or perhaps even scary, but again my therapist said that this is normal.
When I am capable of thinking about myself in that situation, I try to pull myself outside or into my bedroom. That way these things happen on my own, by myself and not around my kids or my family. Then that way, they don’t believe that any of this is directed to them. Because, very rarely is it meant for them. I just have all of this energy inside of my body and feel like I need to get it out somehow.
It felt good to say all of this out loud to my therapist. Being able to explain how it is that I feel and why I feel like this is the way that I try to get through it and how I believe that it works for me. It was really nice for her to tell me that it is normal to react that way and feel like you need to push the energy away some how, so that you can calm down and come back down to your normal.
So….therapy was great yesterday. The past 4 weeks have been much better than the 4 months before that. I told Hillary that I had her to thank for that. My days and weeks seem to run smoother when I get to talk to her and have a scheduled session to look forward to with her! She said “You’re the one doing the work.”