Tuesday at Ten {Prayers}

“God’s timing doesn’t have to make sense, but it’s still perfect.  Trust him beyond your understanding.”
I saw this quote on Facebook and found myself flooded with emotion.  5 1/2 years ago while going through my divorce I went to a Divorce Recovery Workshop offered at a local church. At one of my meetings, they said something to the effect of just because everything doesn’t balance out when you want it to, doesn’t mean that God isn’t keeping track.

When I was going through my divorce, I asked myself “why” every single day…all day long.  Why me, why wasn’t I good enough, what had I done or not done for that matter. Why had my marriage only lasted 3 1/2 years?  I asked these questions to myself, about myself, but also lifted them up to God.  All I wanted was some sign, some answer, some concrete thing that could show me this was meant to be.

I am not good at all with delayed gratification.  When I know what I want, I pretty much want to do everything I can at that exact moment to get it.  Well not all situations in life work like that.  It doesn’t matter how strong willed or motivated you are, sometimes it’s just all about the timing.

Five years ago if you would have asked me, I would have told you that my divorce was the worst thing I’d ever gone through and the worst thing that ever happened to me.  Now with time, reflection and some perspective…I know that it all happened how and when it was supposed to.

I needed the year of unanswered prayers.  To heal, to move forward and to wrap my head around what my divorce meant for me and my family.  When Paul and my oldest 3 kids came into my life, I didn’t even realize then what it meant.  After years of discussion with Paul about all the pain and the hurt, I was still bitter.  It’s only been in the last year or so that I realized, I needed all of that in order to appreciate and understand my life now.

Early in our relationship people asked Paul somewhat regularly “don’t you just want to punch him (my ex) in the face”?  Paul used to say, not really…it ended up working out pretty well for me.  As time has gone on, I have grown to feel the same way.  It gets better every day, every year.  My urge to point fingers and blame my ex for the hurt has gone away.  It was all about the timing, the bad and the hurt had to happen in order for me to fully appreciate this life I have now.

There are MANY reasons why, but the most important are Paul, Isaiah, Elijah, Sienna and Noah.  More than half of my family, my heart that wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the heartache.  Thank you God for unanswered prayers.