So, I have gone from someone who didn’t want to go anyone for help to someone who looks forward to therapy.
I can now tell when I have gone “too long” without seeing Hillary. When the day arrives, it is usually one of my 3 things I am grateful for that day. (I have a planner that has a special place to journal each week. In that space every day I write the 3 things that I am grateful for.)
When I walked down the hall into her office, she greeted me like she always does and we went into the room. I sat down on the couch and she said “so, what’s been going on?” I said “well you know nothing…everything.” This is usually my answer when there isn’t been any big blow up or life shattering thing to discuss.
Then I said “I can’t remember what was happening last time I was here.” I usually see Hillary every 2 weeks, but had gone 5 weeks this time. She said “last time you were talking about how well things are going between you and Jess. And gauging by your body language I imagine that they still are.”
Well she is right, things are still going very well between Jess and I. As a result of that, things are going better between my ex and I than they have in 6 years. Also, as a result of that I had more interaction with my ex in-laws this past time they were in town than I had in 6 years. So, all around this bond that Jess and I have been building is working to benefit everyone and healing us too.
She said “Wow, I can tell that is making you very happy.” “How are you feeling about yourself?” Hillary told me awhile ago that we need to discuss about how my past has made me feel about myself. I said well…”you know, I like myself a lot.” LOL…OK so this is VERY true, but I don’t think that it is in a conceited, cocky way. I just have built myself to be a person that I can be proud of and I don’t care very much about the physical, so I don’t look at that much. I care about my insides and the things that I do. I am proud to be me.
I have said this to Hillary before and she just smiles. She then said “last time you were in here, you also brought up someone in your life that is stealing your sunshine. How is that going?”
Oh well, now that is a different story. I told Hillary of all the little instances that have happened in the last few weeks. How I have handled them or even walked away from them. I told her that this is the only aspect of my life right now that is making me questions myself. She wondered why that was. I told her that I feel like I am constantly defending myself to this person. Defending my actions, my decisions, my plans.
OK, so my communication style is completely to “over explain” things. I just took a personality/strength test at work and one of my strengths was “input” and part of that strength is offering up way to much information, LOL! Yes, that is me to a T. So the feeling like I want to defend myself, is my problem. The feeling like I need to defend myself in such a way to not get bombarded any more, that is a direct result of who I am speaking to.
We spent about 45 minutes talking about how this is weighing on me. How defeated I feel. Like I have tried everything and have received nothing. At the end Hillary said “I can tell from the way that you are talking, that this is her problem, not yours.” Something that other people say to me about the situation all the time. How do I make that sink in?