A month or two ago my husband made plans to go out of town this weekend. He went to the other side of the state to visit his best friend.
Well on Friday while I was getting ready to leave for work and say “good-bye” to him, I had a melt down. I crawled onto his chest while he was laying in bed and got emotional. I told him that I was sad and initially I didn’t really know why. I just said “I am really going to miss you.” Which was true, but I have been without him for a weekend before and I am just fine, I promise I am not THAT person.
Then I stood up, looked down at him and it hit me like a mack truck. We weren’t going to be spending the weekend before my birthday together and I felt like I wanted to vomit. My heart start pounding out of my chest and I said “we shouldn’t make plans to not be together the weekend before my birthday.” Lucky for me, Paul knew exactly what I was talking about.
He pulled me back to him. Gave me a huge hug and kisses. He told me how much he loved me and reassured me that all was going to be just fine. Paul said “maybe this will be good, we get to the other side and you’ll see that everything is OK.” I said…”you mean you will be gone for the whole weekend, not leave me on Monday and then I won’t be worried anymore?”
That is exactly what he meant. Paul meant that he could be gone for the weekend, any weekend really, but specifically the one before my birthday and he would still always come back to me.
6 years ago on a Friday, I set out on the Breast Cancer 3 day walk. The weekend before my birthday I was gone from the house from Friday morning through Sunday afternoon. The next day, which was also the day before my 30th birthday is when my ex and I broke up.
Those are the ghosts that haunt me. If I can never have that same series of events happen, I think that I can control if my marriage stays strong or not! What a ridiculous notion right?
Well…it felt very real in my heart and in my chest on Friday. While I was bawling my eyes out and having a mini panic attack. All Paul did was reassure me, tell me he loves me and he held me. He held me! He didn’t tell me to stop, he didn’t tell me that I was over reacting, he held me!
Then yesterday, my friend Jess…my ex-husband’s wife posted this…Thank You!!! You didn’t know that I needed to read this and while it doesn’t exactly speak to the ghosts that haunt me, that was the first thing that I thought of.