I spent many hours yesterday just thinking. I didn’t speak much, I was just thinking. This is unusual for me. Not so much the thinking, but the not saying any of it out loud part.
I was thinking about how we get where we are. When we are happy, are we really happy or are we pretending to be? Like all the posts that we see on Facebook. When we are unhappy is that because we are really unhappy or because we have an idea of what happiness looks like and our life isn’t measuring up. We are too busy worried about being happy or unhappy that we aren’t enjoying where our life is right there in that moment?
As I fall asleep I am always thinking. Usually about money and the bills that I have to pay, but sometimes about the day and the events that transpired. You can be sure that whatever it is that I start think about it slowly unravels and I end up thinking about a thousand more things that are loosely connected, but completely unnecessary to be thinking about before bed.
Paul and I had to divide and conquer yesterday in order to get all the kids places that they needed to be on time. When I arrived home from the birthday party that I took Noah to, I asked Paul how his part of the journey went. It made me sad. Then I told him about my experience with the same thing. He looked at me like he couldn’t believe it.
That got me to thinking about how unhappiness plays out. It is so very easy to assume that life is all peaches and cream for anyone else. When they don’t look you in the eyes or acknowledge your existence…that might be your clue that something is off. I take things like this personally, but after much reflection yesterday I realized it says much more about the other person then it does about me.
I just want to see everyone happy. Even if I go about it in a way that seems controlling. The highlight of most of my days is asking the kids what their best part of the day was. It is so easy to focus on the bad things, the questions you missed on a test or getting knocked down a color for your behavior. When we reflect on the good at the end of the day, it ends everything on a positive note.
I cried when I went to sleep last night. At first I thought it was about one thing, but then when I woke up this morning I realized it was about another. Sometimes we are looking for things that another person is incapable of giving or simply does not want to give. We can’t control that and to base our happiness off of that is just setting us up for disappointment.