The hardest part about this pandemic is how hard it is for me to say NO. I have learned over the last decade or so, that it is important for me to have boundaries and to be OK setting them. Just because I know that it is something I should do, doesn’t make it any easier.
I am asked almost daily to do something for someone that I feel like I should say “yes” to. Simply because it would be easier, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and because I am naturally a helper. I cry nearly every time I find myself having the courage to say “no” instead of complying with the request.
The fact of the matter is, this last month has been the most difficult for me in the pandemic. Being back out of work and at home with my children for remote learning. There are tears nearly every single day. Screaming, yelling, crying and the feelings of complete failure.
Watching my children hurt, long to be around their people and get easily frustrated with tasks that seem so simple. After 5 to 6 hours of each day going like this, I find it hard to have anything leftover. Doing laundry, prepping a meal and cleaning the house feel so taxing.
Most days I have traded my smile and laughter in for sadness and a resting bitch face. I want to find the light in the darkness, but it all feels so hard.
I take the time I need to in the morning to read the bible and do my yoga. Even if I would rather just stay in bed and do nothing, I know that these simple tasks will set me up emotionally for a better day. Most days I feel like I am starting with an already empty tank and that is a feeling I am unfamiliar with.
Tuesdays seem like the worst day. I have been up for about 2 hours and have already cried 3 times. I have barely even spoke to anyone and already the tears are flowing. I don’t like to feel like I have disappointed people and am falling behind. Yet, here I am….another day where I can’t say “yes” to what is asked of me.