My plan was to write about this on the 16th, the 5 year Anniversary of when shit hit the fan. Instead on that day, I relaxed on the couch with Paul. I thought about all the many reasons why I was right where I was supposed to be and how all the pain was worth it.
August 13,14,15 of 2010 I was on the Breast Cancer 3 day walk. It was the opportunity and adventure of a lifetime. While I was gone my ex (Matt) was taking care of our kids. At the end of the 60 miles, my family was there to greet me. Everyone gave me huge hugs and congratulations and Matt barely made eye contact with me.
That evening Matt threw me a 30th birthday party. He invited about 25 of my closest friends and family to celebrate with us. Things were still very off. He sat at a different table than me. Again, after 3 days apart he was barely speaking to me. When we got home that night, I thanked him, he gave me a kiss on the forehead and we went to sleep.
The next morning, the day before my 30th birthday, we went to Target. Matt asked me to pick out a birthday present for myself (that’s how it always was, he never once picked out a present for me). When we got home we took a shower, almost always together as that was our only quiet alone time with a 1 and 2 year old. In the shower I started crying, I looked right at him and told him that I was scared. My woman’s intuition was right there, telling me that something was VERY wrong.
A couple of hours later Matt got up to go to the bathroom, he left his phone out in the family….he never left his phone out. I picked it up, way before everyone had passwords and such and there was a message open right on the home screen that said, “I love your sister very much, divorce is intimidating.” Needless to say that text was to his girlfriends brother.
I asked him about the text, he made up some nonsense about how the girl was no one just a waitress at work. That he was just trying to talk her into not quitting, blah blah blah. I called my Dad immediately and told him that Matt was cheating and I needed to leave. I packed up a bag for the kids and I, we could have been gone from the house for months with all that I packed. The whole time I was packing Matt was telling me that I was overreacting, that it wasn’t what it looked like and that he loved me so much and I shouldn’t leave.
I took a large framed picture from our wedding off the wall and threw it to the ground, glass shattered everywhere. I told him that he broke us, he broke my heart and he broke me. My Dad was there to get me shortly thereafter. I cried a lot of tears and smoked a lot of cigarettes that day, I’m pretty sure I went about a month before I ate anything at all.
My parents let the kids and I stay with them, they watched the kids so I could figure out my feelings and have a lot of alone time. Later that night, I even went back over to the house to sit down and talk to Matt. I told him that there was nothing he could say that would make me stay, I made him call his parents while I was there and tell them what had happened and with whom.
As I was leaving, I called a dear friend to ask if she could meet me somewhere to talk. In that conversation, I found out that Matt, his girlfriend and my children were living life as a family while I was gone on my 3 day walk. They had gone to the zoo together, with my kids.
So….this 30 year old woman, had the most cliche 30th birthday, my husband literally left me for a younger woman, 8 years younger. All of this literally turned me into a crazy person for a couple of months. The lies, lies upon lies, ultimate betrayal and my trust in everything gone. The good news is that I found my way back.
Fast forward to 10 days ago, where I laid on Paul’s chest, just a few tears rolling down my cheek. He asked what was wrong and I said nothing. He said then why are you crying, I said because I am happy. Then he said about what? LOL….all day every day now I have a million things to be happy for. My life is exactly where it is supposed to be.
I learned so much from that experience and I grew as a person tremendously. I was wrong that day when I told him that he broke me. He may have cracked me for a moment, but I became stronger. That being said, it still haunts me. Those memories still creep up when I least expect them. Every single birthday I remember the 30th birthday that I didn’t celebrate. Paul, Isaiah, Elijah, Sienna and Noah help me to know that those things were meant to happen. For reasons that I couldn’t have understood. 5 years ago, but are crystal clear now!