Change always happens, this was the topic of my devotion reading today. Yes, Yes I know change always happens. Am I good at it? Umm…that would be a no! Am I getting slightly better at it, yes, but it seems to be at a snails pace.
Change to me is like domino’s. One thing changes and then another and then another. If you have things planned, then one thing falling apart typically changes a slew of other things. Or at least it seems to in my head. When my husband tells me that something is going to change, I just picture the million of other things that may change as a result. Even though we don’t know that yet.
Honestly, I don’t remember this stuff bothering me THIS much 8 years ago. I have been to therapy to discuss this topic right here. Change, why can’t I handle it? I was diagnosed with “adjustment disorder” due to post traumatic stress from my divorce and how the way that marriage ended.
One day I was married and the next I was not. I didn’t have the time to adjust to the change, it just got slammed against a brick wall and had to move on. From that moment on it is safe to say that I freak out whenever any slight change has to be made. Working really hard to think it through in my head and take a few breaths are my strategy now when change comes up. Before I freak out on my husband, yes he is the one who normally gets to hear the freak outs, even though he isn’t always the one responsible for the change itself.
This brings me to when I have to change things in my own life. I don’t like to change them very often. Due to circumstances beyond my control I moved 4 times in 7 years (ugh) but now I just assume stay put in my gorgeous home until we are ready to retire. Jobs, I don’t like making the shift into the unknown. When I left my old job in 2014, to my current job, I cried and cried for days. Even if on paper everything looks like it is going to be better, you never know until you settle yourself in.
When change happens and the adrenaline kicks in, I am usually amazing. Like this morning I woke up to go to the bathroom. I looked at the clock 6:41, my husband’s alarm is supposed to go off at 5:35. I said “honey, it is 6:41”, well the hubs had left his cell phone in his robe last night. He didn’t plug it in, so it was dead and his alarm didn’t go off. We both hopped right out of bed, even though we usually snuggle for a few. I ran downstairs to make the pot of coffee and his lunch, he got right out of bed and started getting ready. He was out the door in 15 minutes with a fresh cup of coffee and his lunch. Then I rewound and came back to bed to do my devotion and write, something I usually do while he is in the shower. I know that it is a small example, but honestly most of the change that happens in my life is closer to this example than to the chaos I envision!
The final question of the devotion was what changes are going on in your life lately? How is God using these changes to shape you?
The answer is I don’t know. Though as if I knew these questions were coming, I talked to God about this very topic last night as I was falling asleep. God I feel like you are trying to tell me something and I’m just not seeing the path well enough. Please help me to follow you, even if I don’t understand. I pray that you let me know what I am supposed to be learning, what you have envisioned for me and give me a sign that I am doing what you have planned for me.
Thanks be to God ❤ ❤