I have always been a pretty independent person. I am proud of my individual views and ideas, even if they differ from the norm or the popular opinion.
I am the “reliable” one. Family members and friends often call me, reach out to me when they have questions, need help or just a shoulder to cry on. The people that have stayed in my life for long periods of time appreciate that I won’t “just tell them what they want to hear”, but will actually tell them what I am thinking.
I am proud to play this role in people’s lives. Though, being the “reliable” one has certainly brought it’s share of heartache. I will run myself ragged to help people, just to get stabbed in the back later on. Continue to be loyal, while I am being played.
When bad things used to happen around me, I used to really freak out and take a hard stance. I remember once when I was 21 years old, down right refusing to go out with my sister’s boyfriend at the time. I thought he was a total douche (he was) and being in the same space as him made me sick to my stomach.
As I was throwing my fit, my Dad said “Are you so perfect that you can’t forgive his faults?” Or something to that effect, it was 17 years ago. Obviously the answer was no! I am not perfect and although I give off the impression 99% of the time of having my shit together, my house is spotless and my kids are amazing….most of the time I believe I am one choice away from a downward spiral. Don’t we all feel like that?
As I have gotten older, I have used my own faults and the trials that I have stepped through to help navigate others so that they don’t have to experience the same things. It is all a part of who I am, that I won’t make apologies for.
I will be 100% loyal to you, until you give me a reason not to. That is when the real heartache begins though. Because instead of me being like “OH, F*** YOU”, I will wonder what was wrong with me that made you treat me like that. What is it that I did? What boundary did I allow you to cross and why did I allow you to break my heart?
Then I keep thinking about how I don’t need you, I won’t miss you and obviously shouldn’t feel like this about you since you clearly don’t care about me. I am 38 years old and although I do believe that this quote is so very true “those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” I still find myself wanting answers as to why or when I stopped mattering to them??
Answers that I will never get and I have to be OK with that. I have to be able to find peace in not knowing and move on. I am who I am! I like who I am and so do many other people. I am proud of who I am. Opinionated, Loud, Loyal, Smart, Independent, Hard-Working, Caring, Driven and Loving!
I am not so perfect that I can’t forgive other’s faults. Even if I come across that way, that certainly is not ever what I mean. More often than not, I am actually analyzing my own faults and working through them and forgiving myself for them, as I am figuring out how to more easily accept other’s.